“I worked our wedding hashtag into my vows like you said. Can we please be done now?”
It’s finally the end of the first season of Teen Mom: They’re All Over 30 Now…or whatever the hell they’re calling this show these days. With the season finale comes plenty of big moments— from a baby daddy going to jail, to a natural disaster to Cheyenne and Zach finally saying “I do.” There’s more to unpack here than April’s station wagon after a sale at the ciggie store, so let’s get started!
First, we head to Tennessee, where we are— for some reason— forced to watch Taylor and one of the Oopsie Babies shop for menswear.
Riveting, this show…
At home, Maci is chatting with a stressed Briana, who is hurricaned-in and is going to miss The Wedding Of The Century. Bri’s pissed because she already got her dress. (I suppose she’ll have to take it for a spin and– maybe a lil bathroom hump ‘n’ pump– at whatever club or park Luis is DJing at next.)
She says she had “everything” ready to go, too. (I’m not sure which ‘Teen Mom’ security guard was planning to be her date for this event, but he’s surely disappointed as well.)
“They say it’s gonna be a bad hurricane,” Briana says. “They said it’s coming straight towards us.”
“I’m really worried…and stuff…”
Maci, upon hearing the news that a natural disaster is quickly barreling toward her friend, simply utters an unenthusiastic “damn” before then switching to the conversation to Bri’s baby daddy, Devoin…whose name Maci legit can’t seem to remember.
“How’s…um….Devoin?” Maci asks, looking like a producer had to whisper the guy’s name off-camera in order to keep up the appearance that these girls are all actually friends.
The next day, Maci and Taylor leave the Oopsie Babies in the MTV Mansion with Taylor’s mom and head to California to attend The Wedding Of The Century.
Next up we head over ‘er to West Virginia to check in with the soon-to-be Mrs. Leah Messer Simms Calvert Mobley and her fiancé, Jaylan. Leah, still bothered that Jaylan asked her stepdad Lee for permission to propose, is attempting once again to explain why she’s so ding-damn mad about everything that went down in Costa Rica.
Jaylan claims he was only trying to be respectful and follow tradition. Still, Leah insists it wasn’t necessary.
If this is your third wedding by the age of 30, I think it’s safe to say that whole ‘traditional’ thing is already out the damn window…
Over at the Octagon of Triggers, Catelynn and Tyler are busy shoveling crap into their suitcases, all while Catelynn makes awkward jokes about Tyler’s penis being on the struggle bus.
“Your unit will be harder than Butch’s mullet after it hasn’t been washed for six months!”
Their oldest Not-Carly, Nova, hears the sex jokes and literally just rolls her eyes for the camera. Apparently Nova’s as tired of Cate’s on-camera jokes about Tyler’s schlong as we are!
I don’t blame you kid.
Tyler’s mom Kim arrives to supervise the assortment of Not Carlys. (My guess is that Granny April was busy mailing in the box tops from her Marlboro Lights and trying to get one of those super cool branded windbreaker jackets.)
With that, the whole gang— except for the uninvited Ashley and the hurricaned-in Briana— head to Los Angeles to attend the Royal Wedding!
Speaking of the uninvited Ashley, we next head to Las Vegas where we find her maxin’ and relaxin’ on the couch (or as The Ashley likes to call it, “Amber Portwooding”) with Bar before her first day of nursing school. Ashley lets Bar know that this is, like, real school she’s going to. Like, hard school, where she’ll be getting her “med surg” on– which, by the way, is “the hardest” thing a person can study, she tells her husband and his four eyebrows.
“Surge? I think that’s one of my homies whose name I got tattooed over my eyebrow, no?”
As Ashley runs down her school’s lengthy course catalog, Bar feigns interest while trying to keep a straight face before finally calling the required classes “bulls**t”.
Ashley tells Bar her long-term goal is to be a nurse practitioner. She also thanks Bar and Holly for allowing her to guilt them into leaving California in order for her to follow her dreams and whatnot.
Me, whenever I’m reminded that I’ve spent the equivalent of at least five nursing degrees watching this franchise.
Later, we learn that Ashley, Bar and Holly were in a serious car wreck caused by a drunk driver. Ashley’s producer, Anne Marie, comes by to talk to her about the accident, which Ashley says occurred while they were heading to the grocery store and a “frickin’ weirdo” made a left turn on red into their lane. (Shockingly, that drunk “weirdo” wasn’t someone on the ‘Teen Mom’ cast…I don’t think.)
After the collision, Ashley says she realized she couldn’t put pressure onto her leg, but was still trying to limp around the car to get to Holly. When she finally hobbled over, Ashley found Bar already trying to get Holly out of the vehicle, though the airbag had “trapped her in” and “sandwiched” her, causing her to injure her head.
Get well soon, Holly! You’re the only thing making these segments bearable.
Fortunately, Ashley tells Producer Anne Marie that everyone–- including Holly–-is okay.
Later on, Ashley explains to the camera that she and Bar had property inside their now-wrecked vehicle that needed to be picked up, but when Bar arrived at the police station to have the property released the cops realized he had a warrant out for his arrest, so Bar is currently behind bars.
Don’t ya hate it when that happens!?
Since Bar went to the police station to get his crap and ended up being thrown in the slammer (as you do), Ashley is unprepared to deal with this situation. She explains that Bar was charged for “being a fugitive” because he wasn’t in the state where his case took place (California) and instead, was picked up in another state (Nevada).
“My bad for not checking to see if my hubby had any warrants before calling that U-Haul. I mean, who HASN’T had this happen to them before, am I right?!”
Later, Ashley meet up with her mom, Tea, to talk about the car accident and Bar’s arrest. Ashley further explains Bar’s charge as a “fugitive warrant for negligent discharge of a firearm.” We’re then reminded of the chaos that went down at Ashley graduation party when Bar ended up in handcuffs because “some stuff happened” during the afterparty that led him to fire his gun “or whatever.”
Tea says she hopes this is the last time Bar finds himself in legal trouble, and Ashley agrees.
(Am I the only one who could go for yet another mugshot of Bar wearing his “Shoot Loops” t-shirt?)
Back in LA, everyone is arriving at the hotel for the wedding. Even Gary has made it for the festivities! He goes to see Ty and Cate and they quickly notice that there’s no screaming brunette with an armful of puppets trailing behind him. That’s right, kids: Amber appears to be a no-show.
Gary is totally unbothered by this (and actually seems relieved he’s not forced to pal around with Portwood for the next two days). He tells them that Amber was “emotionally drained” from her trip to see James and is apparently not attending the wedding.
“Being thousands of miles from Amber AND getting a four-course dinner!? Now this is a REAL vacation!”
(Can you imagine Cheyenne’s face when she finds out Ambie decided to no-show at the last minute because she is “drained.” I’ll bet her sister, R U Sure U Wanna Assault Someone Before Ur Wedding, had to hold Chey back!)
The trio then talks a bit about them getting old and dying (good times!) and then we move on to Cheyenne’s dressing room, where she’s getting made up, done up and dressed up for her big wedding moment.
Meanwhile, Zach is getting a manicure and complaining about the anticipation of the big moment.
“If I tie my bowtie wrong or my shoes aren’t shiny enough, Cheyenne might legit murder me so I’m not even being dramatic!”
Jade and Kiaya from Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant arrive, as does Jade and Sean‘s permanent +1, Chau.
Soon, all of the gals are dressed and heading to the ceremony. Everyone meets up and vows to stay together, since they don’t know many other people there.
“If you, or your significant other, shot a spawn outta your cooter before the age of 18, stay with us!”
Leah and the JaylanBot 3000 have also arrived, and Leah is showing off her new engagement ring to Maci.
Upstairs, Zach is choosing his earrings, jamming his sockless foot into his dress shoes (ew…) and getting some last-minute encouragement from his boys.
In Cheyenne’s room, she gifts her parents with notes (and probably the enormous bill for the wedding).
“But I’ll tell you what— if there are ice sculptures of Zach and Cheyenne out there, I’m not paying for that crap!”
Zach and Cheyenne finally get their first look at each other on their wedding day. Zach is overwhelmed by Chey’s beauty, and Chey can’t wait to get her mitts on Zach (and, sadly, not to put some socks on him.)
They ignore the cries of Chey’s sister, R U Gonna Let Me Get Some Camera Time, that they’re not supposed to kiss yet.
“Just stand there and look pretty for the cameras, Zach!”
After that, Cheyenne goes upstairs to spy from her bell tower and watch her guests enter (and, you know, make sure no one showed up in zebra hoodie or a Things That Matter T-shirt).
The bridesmaids start trickling out into the ceremony area, as Cheyenne watches with her dad.
“Cheyenne’s getting all the attention and it’s no fair.”
The babies enter in toy cars, and then it’s time for the groom to come in.
Zach enters the ceremony with a fist pump as the crowd cheers and Cheyenne cries.
Raise your hand if you regret not putting some Odor Eaters in your shoes before coming out here…
Finally it’s Cheyenne’s turn to head down the aisle. Her and her dad walk slowly as she tries to stop crying. (She must have finally noticed Zach’s sockless look.)
Cheyenne’s dad gives a speech about giving his daughter away and everyone is crying. Kyle says he wants a few more minutes before he has to let his daughter go. (Hey— the man paid for this whole ridiculous affair so let him have his damn moment in the spotlight!)
“Psst! Cate! This is probably gonna go on a for while. I’ve got some Bud Lights in my bra if you want one!”
Cheyenne talks about the first time she met Zach, and discusses all of the things they’ve been through together since that time. She manages to work the kids’ names into the vows (which garners her an “aww” from the crowd) and makes plans to meet up with Zach in the afterlife…or something.
“And, if we’re lucky, MTV will throw us a few more with this terrible show!”
After Cheyenne finishes her very moving vows (which I am almost certain she probably paid someone from Vows ‘R’ Us to write for her), Zach looks like he just wants to scream “Ditto!” and get right to the drinking, dancing and humping. However, he pulls his vows out of his pocket and reads his. Cheyenne is pleased, telling him he “did so good.”
Another satisfied Vows ‘R’ Us customer!
Next it’s time for the rings. Cheyenne jams the gaudy ring she picked out for Zach on his finger and legit demands, “You better like it, OK!”
I think that’s nice…
Finally, they say their “I dos” and scurry back down the aisle to the beat of African drums. Once inside the reception area, everyone is dancing and drinking on Cheyenne’s dad’s dime. (You know Maci and Taylor’s bar bill alone was probably the equivalent to a full year’s salary.)
R U Gonna Let Me Sit At the Head Table Too? gets up there to give her maid of honor speech, but Ryder interrupts her, much to her dismay.
“Zach and Cheyenne, I know you’re in that pile of candles and flowers somewhere!”
We see the ‘Teen Mom’ gang posing for photos outside the venue. (I suppose Amber and her puppets can be Photoshopped in later?)
It’s a perfect way to wrap up the season…until….
They fast-forward to three weeks later, where we see headlines screaming that Jaylan and Leah have broken up, and it’s rumored that Jaylan cheated. (Is the JaylanBot 3000 even programmed to do that?!)
“He had me fooled!” Leah cries to her friend.
Things are also not going well for Briana, who finds out that Devoin has gone to rehab.
Maci, meanwhile, is being the typical martyr, telling us that she “swallowed her pride” and reached out to Ryan.
“Surely they’ll want to build a statue of Martyr Maci outside MTV studios!”
Girl, stop. We know the only reason you reached out to Ryan is that you had nothing to film if Ryan isn’t on this horrible show. There can only be so many episodes about PCOS/PTSD/PBRs.
Meanwhile, Cheyenne is preparing for Zach to head to his little pre-honeymoon trip to the slammer. We get to see Zach enter the LA County Jail to begin serving his sentence.
“Cheyenne better not spend all our Bed, Bath & Beyond gift cards while I’m in the clink!”
After that, they hit us with the “To Be Continued…” note.
Wait…so we watched an hour’s worth of wedding crap, only for you to push the cheating, breakups, rehab and jail sentence to the last minute of this manure pit of a show?!
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL, MTV?!
That’s all for this episode! (Click here if you want to see The Ashley’s exclusive photos and info from Cheyenne and Zach’s wedding day!)
To read The Ashley’s recaps of previous episodes of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter,’ click here!
(Photos: MTV)
Tags:
Ashley Jones, Bar Smith, Briana DeJesus, Catelynn Lowell, Cheyenne Floyd, Gary Shirley, Jade Cline, Jaylan Mobley, Kiaya Elliott, Leah Messer, Maci Bookout, Recaps, Taylor McKinney, Teen Mom, Teen Mom 2, Teen Mom OG, Teen Mom Weddings, Teen Mom: The Next Chapter, Teen Mom: The Next Chapter Recaps, Teen Mom: The Next Chapter Season 1, Tyler Baltierra, Weddings, Zach Davis
