If Google knows I’m looking at cars in Clare, it will have me marked as a pervert

It’s getting panicky on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Blow You Away At a Wedding with their 8 Grand Jumpsuits. Alannah_PlaceInCrete said she’s after getting invited to a wedding in Tipperary and we were very quick to offer our sympathies, because Tipperary like, there’s no need for that. But she said no need, it’s the horsey Tipperary set, crunch-of-Ranger-Rover-on-the-long-driveway instead of trainee-mechanic-in-pointy-brown-shoes, do you know that kind of a way? She said, they get all their clothes in Milan and we were all thinking shite, it was nearly easier during Covid when you didn’t have to worry about getting upstaged at a wedding by some West Brit from Clonmel who makes cheese as a hobby. I’m in the same boat now myself Audrey after my Ken and I got
asked
to a bash in Glandore, some bee-atch from his class in college is getting married, I’d put money on it that he slept with her – my Ken was like a dog with two mickeys in college.
Anyway, I’m dead out of touch with stunning wedding wear after the pandemic. Now, just to be clear, I’m not asking you for fashion tips Audrey – you live in Ballinlough and married a guy
from Turner’s Cross.
But do you know anyone in the fashion world that could give me a few tips?

I do, but they don’t deal with people who can only afford the Douglas Road. By the way, I slept with your Ken. So did My Conor and he only went to Coláiste Chríost Rí. Burn!

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I was inside in my house the other day when I heard a horn blowing outside and wasn’t it Berna in her new car asking me if I wanted to go for a burn. I had one leg inside in the thing when I said hang on a minute, did I see a Clare reg on this new car of yours and I leapt out and confirmed my impression. She said, what’s wrong with a Clare reg you daft cow, sure a car is a car? I said it is until you try to sell it on and no one in Cork will touch it from you in case people have you down as a dimwit from the outskirts of Ennis. She said, but Clare is a beautiful county, with the Cliffs of Moher and the Burren. I said, cop yourself on. For one thing, the Burren is an overhyped rock garden. But the problem with Clare is the people, Berna – the reason they put at an airport in Shannon was all the scientists flying in because they heard the locals were descended from The Missing Link. She said it’s just a test drive, we haven’t even agreed a price. So I said, well, if you insist on going ahead, tell the gowl selling it to you that you want a Clare reg discount. So Audrey, how much should you get off a car from Clare?

– Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I haven’t a clue. And there’s no way I’m going to search online – if Google knows I’m looking at cars in Clare, it will have me marked as a complete pervert.

Now listen up Paddy. I recently discovered that I have a daughter in Cork following a knee-trembler outside the Spaniard during the Kinsale 7s in 1999. My daughter contacted me out of the blue, she has a posher English accent than I do because she grew up in Glandore. I was hoping she was just looking for money, but unfortunately she wants me to show some paternal affection, which isn’t exactly second nature to members of the British Establishment. (My father called me SlugFace, and I was his favourite.) This daughter person has asked that I bring her to see some chap called Ed Sheeran in a place in Cork pronounced Pork EE Kweev. Honestly, your Gaelic language is awful, we did you a favor by trying to wipe it out. So tell me, is there anything I should know about this Sheeran chap – he seems very Irish?

– Lord Edmund D’Servant-Spanker, London and the Falklands.

I rang my niece the Ed Sheeran fan there and said, is Ed one of us? She said no. I said, how do you know he’s not Irish? She said, if he was, the London media would spend all their time claiming he was British. #GreatPoint

C’mere girl, the old doll old fancies herself as an influencer even though she do only have 143 followers on Instagram. So the other day she says, we have to break up for a month Donie to generate a bit of buzz on my feed – do you mind moving back in with your Mam? I say, grand girl, at least it will give me a break from doing dopey dances with you for TikTok. I’m back with the Mam now and it’s the berries, all my meals, laundry, the works, the only thing missing is the hot loving, and there wasn’t much of that with the old doll, we’ve been together for over a year. So like, do you reckon me Mam would mind if I moved home for good?

-Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang my mother there (no one calls her Mam) and said, would you be happy if I moved back in here. She said not as happy as Your Conor. #hurtful