Tuesday, August 16, 2022
Home Wedding Cars A Wedding-Info Card from an Alternate Universe Where Ostriches Recently Learned to...

A Wedding-Info Card from an Alternate Universe Where Ostriches Recently Learned to Fly

Thank you for joining us on our special day!

We’re incredibly grateful to have so many friends and family members coming to celebrate our love, especially given the circumstances. We can assure you that our amazing wedding coördinator, Katie, will have everything under control! And, for extra peace of mind, our renowned ostrich handler, Frank, will be standing by.

venue info

We’re blessed to be celebrating outside, at La Casa Vineyard’s beautiful open-air plaza—and very lucky to have slipped in after so many recent cancellations!

attire

We can’t wait to see everyone’s fabulous black-tie ensembles! As a friendly reminder: no bright colors, so as not to startle the birds. No earth tones, either, so as not to resemble a soft patch of grass upon which to land. And no white dresses (it’s a wedding, for goodness sake).

Transportation

A shuttle will be provided to take guests from the ceremony to the reception area. Due to limited space, seats on the shuttle will be reserved specifically for those whose cars have been totalled in recent weeks by surprise midair egg-layings.

Parking

Parking is available in the lot on the corner of Elm and Berry Streets. Though parking itself is free, we encourage guests to pay the extra thirty-dollar fee to Larry, a man we’ve hired to stand by the cars and zap approaching ostriches with a cattle prod. Should you choose to forgo the fee, Larry will leave your car to fate.

Accommodation

A block of hotel rooms has been reserved for guests at a discounted rate. The hotel specifically requested we inform you that the discount is not the result of a typical wedding deal, but rather a deduction because the third floor’s anti-ostrich spikes have not yet been installed. Although scientists still don’t know if ostriches are inclined to crash through glass while flying, they are positive that ostriches have strong beaks, poor judgment, and a generally evil demeanor, so we advise you to stay on the third floor at your own risk . Rooms start at five hundred dollars a night.

Registry

Your love and presence are all we need, but if you’re feeling extra generous, we are registered at Anthropologie and Williams-Sonoma, and are accepting donations to the National Wildlife Offense Fund—an organization dedicated to shooting as many ostriches as possible out of the sky.

front desk

Party time! Ostriches are most active both early and late in the day, which is why we’re so excited for you to join us on the patio from exactly 1 PM to 3 PM, and no later. For your own safety, please arrive fashionably on time.

As we know, love is in the air. That’s right—it’s mating season and the territorial male ostrich is, at any given moment, fighting aggressively for the affection of up to seven females. So be careful catching that garter, fellas. You may have some competition! In all seriousness, though, if an aroused-looking male approaches, do not engage.

At the end of the reception, the surviving members of Greg’s platoon from the Avian branch of the US military will be “shaking a tail feather,” and performing a flash mob for us!

Children

As much as we would love to see your little ones at the wedding, the venue will not be liable for them being mistaken for prey. ♦

RELATED ARTICLES

Most Popular

Recent Comments